Giving Thanks

There are many things to enjoy about Thanksgiving... gathering of family, friends and neighbors, all the delicious food, and the kick off for the holiday season. Perhaps your family has favorite traditions such as the Macy's parade, watching your favorite football team, or volunteering to feed the hungry or those who might otherwise be alone.

One of the things I absolutely love about Thanksgiving is the very fact that for this one holiday we are reminded to pause and think about what we are grateful for. Too often in our busy life we just don't take the time to do this ~ or we may have something that draws our mind toward situations or events in life that we are anything but grateful for.

When you think about it, for the most part it is often the people in our life that we are thankful for... people, not things, make all the difference. As you count your blessing there are always those special people that make your life sweeter. But have you ever thought about the difference YOU make in the lives of other people? Sometimes we forget that who we are and what we do DOES make a difference for other people. I think it would be so neat if there could be a way that you could see that... if at the end of each and every day YOU could see where you made a difference just by being YOU.
We hear of people who do extraordinary things to help others. And of course their story is amazing and should be applauded. But it is the little guy - people just like you, who quietly do their share on a regular basis without applause; likely even without the realization that you have made the difference to someone.
Maybe you have a boss who doesn't express thanks (or worse yet does nothing but complain or even has you feeling like a number). But each day you go to work, do your job and help your company or organization stay afloat. Don't let the bad supervisor cheat you out of your realization that you are of value. What you do counts. Or maybe you pulled an extra share of duty while someone was out sick, or welcomed the new person, or just greet your fellow workers with a smile. You DO make a difference, even if they forget to tell you!
Family --- oh yes, my sessions and e-mails are so very often about family. I learned a long time ago not to say "I've heard everything!" Because about the time I think that, someone offers up a new and kind of pathetic example of how those with whom we would hope to feel the closest feel instead anything but. Kind of leaves people thinking what on earth a particular situation, remark, or general relationship is all about! "What am I missing?!"
For you, remember that some people are just not as enlightened or aware of their impact on their fellow souls. Makes me kind of wish that just for a day those caustic family members could see the real pain that they inflict. Sometimes I think that maybe the reason for their lack of any consideration and just plain meanness is that they really just DON'T GET IT!

They just don't realize that not only do you have feelings.. but that they are important. If people realized that they are important (and influential) I think they might be better family members. I offer that insight to you in the hope that it will take away some of the hurt and pain. It won't change the family member, but perhaps it can soften the blow especially since many of you will be spending time with family members during the next month or so. (I have seen some pretty miraculous things happen as people finally did realize that they are of value.)
Remember that how people treat you says a whole lot more about them than it does about you. So, just work on forgiving them.
As a counselor I have had the advantage of advanced training and practice in what is called Systems Theory. One of the fundamentals of this work is the realization that if one can change part of the system, then the system itself is changed. I use the example of a hanging mobile. If you lightly touch just one part of it, the whole mobile (system) is moved. The same is true in any system including our family.
I invite you to be that change. Certainly we are powerless to change anyone else, let alone an entire family. But if you change something about you, the system will change even if ever so slightly. Susie, who I talked to recently, has been working on being less judgmental of her family. Yes some of their faults are pretty obvious. But Sue realized she had fallen into playing the role of the judge, who could point those faults out much too often. All it got her was more frustration and even her turn at being the one who was "wrong". :)
When she determined to change the system by changing herself, she got results. She can now see when she is being baited or "invited" to react in her same old way. Remember her reactivity had only served to strengthen the dysfunctional system and increase her unhappiness when she tried to help by pointing things out. No, her family has not changed and perhaps never will. She just wanted to get along better and have a "happier" family. Well, she laughed, when you can't be so easily provoked you just plain feel happier. You really do!

Someone once said that happiness is an inside job... and Susie is definitely happier. She is even beginning to see some of the positive characteristics of her family members....remember ~ what we focus on grows.

As you celebrate Thanksgiving, please know that I am thankful that you have found my blog. I count you, my readers, among my blessings.

Remember, that you DO make a difference in life ~ even if no one remembers to tell you this.

Each night lull yourself to sleep counting your blessings. Not only is it a wonderful spiritual practice, but science now has shown how it helps our physical health as well. It all works together.

Until next time
Blessings and love to you and those you love,
Dr. DyAnn