Sunday, March 29, 2009

Getting the Love You Need

I have a question for you. How do you know get the love you need?
It seems like I get a lot of mail and have many sessions in which "love" is a major issue...whether is it a couple who seem to have fallen out of love, a person who is looking back at issues of their family of origin, or in a dating relationship.

In the end, what each of us needs is to be loved. We need to know that we are "lovable" and that "knowing" tends to come from outside one self. When we are more aware, we realize it comes from the inside and we know how to tap into it. But that does not lessen the impact of outside influences. In fact much of who we are , or think of who we are, comes from the cues that we get from others. Ladies, a prime example is wearing a new outfit. If someone tells you that you look great, doesn't that feel good? Suddenly that outfit is even sweeter.

I will tell you a little secret and it is one you are welcome to use. When I wake up in the morning and things don't go my way - leading me to a possible downward spiral and what looks like the beginning of a bad day, I pull a special outfit from the closet. One that I always get compliments on. The reason I do this is obvious. I will get the outside affirmation and it will go by "emotional osmosis" to the inside. It will make me feel better. My bad day vanishes. Hey, it's an easy little psychological trick, but if it will pick me up, why not use it?

And on the other side of the coin, remember that you never know when someone may be faking it thru their day. Just wanting to be home with a hot cup of tea and a TV show to make them laugh. YOU can be the person to give them something special that will carry them more successfully thru their day. What an awesome privilege. What power!

I promise you from the perspective of the recipient that it feels really great to have someone notice some thing cool or good about me and let me know. You have all had that experience. And I also promise you that when you are the person who is giving the positive energy that it also feels really good and is guaranteed to uplift you. Friends. co-workers, store clerks, everyone can use what you can so freely give. It changes the energy of the person in a positive way.

We have all had the experience of feeling "up", having a good day, only to have an "E-yore" moment threaten to dampen our spirits(not sure how it is spelled but he's the character from Winnie the Pooh who is always down and negative). So, having experienced that negative bummer experience, you know how your mood (energy) can be and is impacted. It's exactly the same principle: your energy can be brought down, it can be brought up.

You see, everything is energy. That includes our emotions. And thus our emotions can be and are impacted by the energy around us. It is no different from the ability of the wind to chill us.
Using that metaphor, avoid the chilly wind, and bring sunshine to yourself by being around people who cheer you on and champion you.
And if you are in a situation where that "sunshine" is difficult to locate, nothing to worry about. YOU can be the one who creates the positive impact - with yourself at the center!

What a delight life is when we realize these things.

Warmly yours,
Until next time,
Dr. DyAnn

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Calm within the Storm

I was working with a woman a few weeks ago (I'll call her Kelly) on decision making. Her issue as she stated it, is that she can't seem to make a decision as small as what to order off the menu. Kelly is a very bright woman. She has a sharp mind and even without testing her I know she has a pretty high IQ. Kelly is not bothered by things like whether to order the chocolate cream or strawberry pie. She accepts it as part of her personality.
However, what does create a serious impact on her life is how Kelly "second guesses" herself when it comes to decisions that count. She can gather the facts, weigh each possible outcome, factor in her own values, interview trusted friends, come up with the best decision, have a plan and a time line. Then she freezes and starts the "what ifs" which are exemplary of fear and doubt.
Kelly is in the middle of a life changing decision about her marriage. Divorce, separation, stay with a man who won't work on things. And she went through the above standard decision making process. She searched her heart. And she knew that she was never going to attain happiness at any level while remaining in this marriage. Many details over a long period of time told her that. The decision to leave was difficult because of her values; when she said "forever" she meant it. But over the years the marriage had dissolved in every other way than officially.
When Kelly was finally able to come to her decision, true to the old pattern, she began to vacillate. The "what ifs" haunted her. She felt like she was right back to where she started with not knowing what to do.

When I saw Kelly for our last appointment she greeted me with a big smile and a sense of calm. "I have decided. And I am sure about it." Her face told the story of her inner confidence.
Of course I asked her how she pulled this miracle off!

She had a difficult time putting it into words. Things that are of a spiritual nature always are more difficult to describe. In essence she connected with what I call our Inner Knowing.
It could also be called instinct, intuition, the "still small voice within", or the God part within us. There are those of you who have learned to trust this. No one is without it. It is how we are guided. Terms like "something just told me" or "I had a hunch" are phrases we might hear as to how this phenomenon is described. This inner ability is also the part that makes the hair stand up on the back of our neck when we are in danger. It creates "coincidences" that light our pathway.

If you want to know how to connect with this wondrous part of you, it is very easy. Simply be calm. When we quiet the chattering of our thinking brain, what is left is the amazing gift of our knowing, creative, limitless mind.

Until next time - seek and enjoy the calm within,
Dr. DyAnn

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Creating Impact!

What did Henry Ford, Albert Einstein, and Thomas Jefferson have in common?

Each of these well known people understood and worked with the power of the mind. Each understood and successfully utilized the unlimited power of their mind. And each understood that one cannot solve a problem by using the conscious (thinking) part of the mind. I believe it was Einstein who said that one cannot solve a problem with the same part of the mind that created the problem.

Each of these people had no greater a mind than you and I have! What made the difference for them (and many other successful people) is they knew about how the mind works and put it to good use to achieve their goals.

Those of you who have worked with me know that my specialty is all about the power of the mind. When we are calm and relaxed we leave behind the conscious or thinking mind, and enter the magical creative world of the subconscious mind. Knowing how to become calm and relaxed is a key to controlling your mind and thus your life circumstances.

An interesting and powerful principle of the mind is that the subconscious mind listens and obeys what your conscious mind thinks about. It will produce results! It may take time (or not) but it will happen. That is what the popular book "The Secret" was trying to say.

So if you are thinking about all the hype in the news now in reference to the gloom and doom of the economy, guess what? The subconscious mind believes and follows thru like an obedient servant. Fear is created and we magnetize more negative events to ourselves. Then we react to these negative events with more negative thinking and maybe even toss in creating a little depression. The downward spiral can be endless. (But so can the upward spiral!)

Or we can turn off the television set and focus on something that is more positive and meaningful. Remember, what you focus on grows. It may take time, but the way the Universal laws work, I guarantee it will grow, just like seeds in a garden. This is the Law of Manifestation. Thoughts create. Energy follows thought.

Years ago, before I studied and began to understand these concepts, I had a really powerful and potentially dangerous circumstance that demonstrated them beyond a doubt. I was on my way to my therapist's office. I had been working on understanding my family of origin or FOO in therapist shorthand. Before I go any further, please be very careful in the therapist you choose. You can e mail me if you want any tips and pointers. d.buechler@yahoo.com

Now this misguided therapist was a big believer in the expression of emotion in order to release it. I thought I was sad about my FOO but she pointed out that I was angry and that I needed to focus and concentrate on this anger in order to release it. Being young and well, dumb when it comes to these things, I listened to her expert advice.

So there I was on my way to my appointment and I realized I had not done my homework! So driving along I whipped myself into the "I feel angry" mode. I needed to release that anger just as my therapist had directed! So right there at the intersection of Mason and Military....
POW BOOM CRRRAAAASSSSHHHHH!

Yes, I was involved in an accident.... and it was not my fault. A guy in an oncoming car made a left turn directly into my path and crashed into me.

But, in another way, it was of my doing. Why? Think about it.

What we focus on grows. What we think about creates. Feelings are magnificently ( or horribly) powerful!!! What we focus on, especially in a concentrated manner, creates quite rapidly due to that concentration of energy. Remember in a prior blog I wrote about things both visible and invisible being at their core, energy. Energy operates in a universal manner. What we put out comes back to us. I wonder if the guy in the other car was practicing getting in touch with his anger!

In a future blog I will share with you another powerful experience that had to do with the power of thoughts and how they create... it is much more positive in nature... I still tear up thinking about it.

Until then,
May your thoughts be loving and kind,

Peace and love,
Dr. DyAnn

visit my web page at: buechlertherapy.com




Thursday, March 12, 2009

What we Hold Dear

Think about your friends and important relationships for a moment....Who are the people that you enjoy friendships with? Are there those with whom you once enjoyed a kinship and then it faded? What happened? Did one or both of you change? Are there those that you have known for years and even though miles may separate you, your hearts are still joined? What exactly are the characteristics you see as important in your friendships? What would you never tolerate? All of these questions involve the issue of values, or what we hold dear in defining ourselves and what is truly important in life.

Values. How do you know what you hold dear? One sure test is that when someone violates what is instinctively important to you, you will have a strong emotional reaction. For example, I find judging others to be a characteristic I will call a person out on. I think of it as an opportunity to teach and inform. On the other hand no one ever has to apologize if I am riding in their car and need to push aside snack wrappers, brochures and books! (You know who you are :)

Below is a list of what we might call values. There are many writings on this subject; this information is from an ethics course I recently took.The author of this list of personal characteristics is Dr. Milton Rokeach. It might be interesting for you and a friend to each rank order this list from the perspective of what you deem to be most to least important.

  1. Self-controlled (thinks first, restrained, self-disciplined)
  2. Honest (sincere, truthful, disclosing)
  3. Loving (affectionate, tender, caring)
  4. Ambitious (hard working, aspiring)
  5. Cheerful (light hearted, joyful)
  6. Responsible (dependable, reliable)
  7. Independent (self-reliant, self-sufficient)
  8. Broad minded (open minded, flexible thinker)
  9. Polite (courteous, well mannered)
  10. Forgiving (willing to pardon others)
  11. Intellectual (intelligent, knowledgeable)
  12. Helpful (working for the welfare of others)
  13. Obedient (dutiful, respectful)
  14. Capable (competent, skillful)
  15. Logical (consistent, rational. aware of reality)
  16. Courageous (strong, willing to stand up for beliefs)
  17. Imaginative (daring, creative)
  18. Clean (neat, tidy, well organized)
We tend to "inherit" some of our values from our family of origin. Sometimes marriage counseling is about helping each person to understand that there are no rights and wrongs to the list. There is however, learning to cooperate and being willing to do some give and take when it comes to one anothers values, along with respecting each person's perspective. As we mature we often times "shed" old values and take on new ones. This can cause some flack those that we first shared the values with... unless of course number eight is ranked high on the list!

It also might be an interesting exercise to ask a friend how they would guess your list would be ranked.. if it is a lot different from how you see yourself, it may be time for you to do some work on value clarification. It is a lifelong journey and to know oneself as a changing being is certainly part of it.

Until next time,
Blessings and love to you and those you love,
Dr. DyAnn

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Life's Storms

Like many parts of the country during the winter, we have had some harsh weather here. Recently an unusual storm piled on the snow and ice. I had been saying I miss the beauty of snow. (Be careful what you wish for!!) Coupled with the storm was a loss of power and-- zap --------- my computer got wiped out! For days and days, there was a problem in getting the power to come back on. So I apologize if you have been looking for my blog- but I am finally back and in full swing.

So here's the thing: like all things in life we have the choice as to how we are going to deal with circumstances. In fact I often say this to clients: Are you going to "re-act" or are you going to "respond" ? For example, I could get more frustrated and upset (re-act) , or I could relax, take it in stride and let the people who do the technological stuff work it out (respond) .

I dare say this is a much easier example than those by which we relate to one another. Most often people find themselves in confusion and emotional messiness when it comes to how they react or respond to circumstances which involve friends, relatives and work.

To react is to believe yourself to be powerless. "You did this so I am going to do that because of you." It allows the other person or circumstance to control you and your life. And it is NOT the place you want to be. It does not feel good- and we have all been there.

To "respond" implies a choice that comes from within. "You did this but I have a lot of choices as to what I am going to do in regard to it." The difference is - well, apples and pancakes!

Beth came to me with a problem with some of her family members. She felt very powerless. She saw them as having gone from being loving and kind to becoming unappreciative and non-supportive and sometimes even a bit mean spirited. Often times she was tearful and wondered what had happened to cause this change. Over time things got even worse. Family traditions of celebrating birthdays became a "one way street" with Beth doing the giving and nothing being reciprocal. As she put it, it wasn't so much that she expected a present, even a card would have been appreciated. It represented an acknowledgment of her being important in their lives. I know quite a few of you have had similiar experiences.

I advised that Beth talk to these family members. Even I was shocked when she reported that they said it was up to her to remind them of when her birthday was. Hmmmmmm Quite an interesting response from them.

With that and other clear examples, Beth had some choices. One thing she could do was to react. Reacting is often times the first response of human nature. In other words she could be angry, sad, guilty, depressed , forlorn- you name it. She could seek revenge, get even and "forget" their birthdays. She could have taken herself into that downward death spiral of depression that is fed by thinking of herself as being a "victim."

None of us are victims. Yes, people may victimize us. They may be mean, petty, and downright nasty. But folks, that is their business! That is their doing. And that is their karma. We cannot change anyone. But we must be vigilent in not letting them change us! That is where our true power is at!

After some discussion with Beth as to what her values are and the kind of person she is inspired to be, she chose to not be reactive. Although it still puzzles her as to why this situation has come to transpire, she no longer allows it to control her and her feelings. I have encouraged her to let it go and focus instead on being around people who cherish her. With her focus away from that which has hurt her, Beth is learning and growing. She has begun to do volunteer work which makes her feel useful, needed, and good about herself. Remember that one of the secrets of life is that what you focus on grows!

Perhaps the best thing that has occured is that she is no longer angry with her family. We discussed the possiblity that they too are learning. Perhaps for them there are some hurts that need to be healed. But we cannot make someone love or even respect us.

We can love and respect ourselves and bless others in their process... and perhaps keep a safe and healthy distance.

Until next time remember to focus on that which is good for you and let go of the rest.

Blessings and love,
Dr. DyAnn