Life's Storms

Like many parts of the country during the winter, we have had some harsh weather here. Recently an unusual storm piled on the snow and ice. I had been saying I miss the beauty of snow. (Be careful what you wish for!!) Coupled with the storm was a loss of power and-- zap --------- my computer got wiped out! For days and days, there was a problem in getting the power to come back on. So I apologize if you have been looking for my blog- but I am finally back and in full swing.

So here's the thing: like all things in life we have the choice as to how we are going to deal with circumstances. In fact I often say this to clients: Are you going to "re-act" or are you going to "respond" ? For example, I could get more frustrated and upset (re-act) , or I could relax, take it in stride and let the people who do the technological stuff work it out (respond) .

I dare say this is a much easier example than those by which we relate to one another. Most often people find themselves in confusion and emotional messiness when it comes to how they react or respond to circumstances which involve friends, relatives and work.

To react is to believe yourself to be powerless. "You did this so I am going to do that because of you." It allows the other person or circumstance to control you and your life. And it is NOT the place you want to be. It does not feel good- and we have all been there.

To "respond" implies a choice that comes from within. "You did this but I have a lot of choices as to what I am going to do in regard to it." The difference is - well, apples and pancakes!

Beth came to me with a problem with some of her family members. She felt very powerless. She saw them as having gone from being loving and kind to becoming unappreciative and non-supportive and sometimes even a bit mean spirited. Often times she was tearful and wondered what had happened to cause this change. Over time things got even worse. Family traditions of celebrating birthdays became a "one way street" with Beth doing the giving and nothing being reciprocal. As she put it, it wasn't so much that she expected a present, even a card would have been appreciated. It represented an acknowledgment of her being important in their lives. I know quite a few of you have had similiar experiences.

I advised that Beth talk to these family members. Even I was shocked when she reported that they said it was up to her to remind them of when her birthday was. Hmmmmmm Quite an interesting response from them.

With that and other clear examples, Beth had some choices. One thing she could do was to react. Reacting is often times the first response of human nature. In other words she could be angry, sad, guilty, depressed , forlorn- you name it. She could seek revenge, get even and "forget" their birthdays. She could have taken herself into that downward death spiral of depression that is fed by thinking of herself as being a "victim."

None of us are victims. Yes, people may victimize us. They may be mean, petty, and downright nasty. But folks, that is their business! That is their doing. And that is their karma. We cannot change anyone. But we must be vigilent in not letting them change us! That is where our true power is at!

After some discussion with Beth as to what her values are and the kind of person she is inspired to be, she chose to not be reactive. Although it still puzzles her as to why this situation has come to transpire, she no longer allows it to control her and her feelings. I have encouraged her to let it go and focus instead on being around people who cherish her. With her focus away from that which has hurt her, Beth is learning and growing. She has begun to do volunteer work which makes her feel useful, needed, and good about herself. Remember that one of the secrets of life is that what you focus on grows!

Perhaps the best thing that has occured is that she is no longer angry with her family. We discussed the possiblity that they too are learning. Perhaps for them there are some hurts that need to be healed. But we cannot make someone love or even respect us.

We can love and respect ourselves and bless others in their process... and perhaps keep a safe and healthy distance.

Until next time remember to focus on that which is good for you and let go of the rest.

Blessings and love,
Dr. DyAnn