What we Hold Dear

Think about your friends and important relationships for a moment....Who are the people that you enjoy friendships with? Are there those with whom you once enjoyed a kinship and then it faded? What happened? Did one or both of you change? Are there those that you have known for years and even though miles may separate you, your hearts are still joined? What exactly are the characteristics you see as important in your friendships? What would you never tolerate? All of these questions involve the issue of values, or what we hold dear in defining ourselves and what is truly important in life.

Values. How do you know what you hold dear? One sure test is that when someone violates what is instinctively important to you, you will have a strong emotional reaction. For example, I find judging others to be a characteristic I will call a person out on. I think of it as an opportunity to teach and inform. On the other hand no one ever has to apologize if I am riding in their car and need to push aside snack wrappers, brochures and books! (You know who you are :)

Below is a list of what we might call values. There are many writings on this subject; this information is from an ethics course I recently took.The author of this list of personal characteristics is Dr. Milton Rokeach. It might be interesting for you and a friend to each rank order this list from the perspective of what you deem to be most to least important.

1. Self-controlled (thinks first, restrained, self-disciplined)
2. Honest (sincere, truthful, disclosing)
3. Loving (affectionate, tender, caring)
4. Ambitious (hard working, aspiring)
5. Cheerful (light hearted, joyful)
6. Responsible (dependable, reliable)
7. Independent (self-reliant, self-sufficient)
8. Broad minded (open minded, flexible thinker)
9. Polite (courteous, well mannered)
10. Forgiving (willing to pardon others)
11. Intellectual (intelligent, knowledgeable)
12. Helpful (working for the welfare of others)
13. Obedient (dutiful, respectful)
14. Capable (competent, skillful)
15. Logical (consistent, rational. aware of reality)
16. Courageous (strong, willing to stand up for beliefs)
17. Imaginative (daring, creative)
18. Clean (neat, tidy, well organized)

We tend to "inherit" some of our values from our family of origin. Sometimes marriage counseling is about helping each person to understand that there are no rights and wrongs to the list. There is however, learning to cooperate and being willing to do some give and take when it comes to one anothers values, along with respecting each person's perspective. As we mature we often times "shed" old values and take on new ones. This can cause some flack those that we first shared the values with... unless of course number eight is ranked high on the list!

It also might be an interesting exercise to ask a friend how they would guess your list would be ranked.. if it is a lot different from how you see yourself, it may be time for you to do some work on value clarification. It is a lifelong journey and to know oneself as a changing being is certainly part of it.

Until next time,
Blessings and love to you and those you love,
Dr. DyAnn