Moving from "Stuck" to Empowered

Difficult feelings. We all have them.

We can gain tremendous strength and control over life and our circumstances by harnessing a strength and capability that is right there in our mind. But it takes awareness and practice.

When is the last time that you found yourself in a situation where your feelings were upset? Throughout the day there are many such scenarios. Your boss gives you a hard time, a friend or loved one disappoints you, or life throws a big curve ball.
There is a process that takes place in our daily experiences: first there is the situation, followed by our thoughts in regard to it. Next comes the feeling based on our thoughts. Over a period of time these thoughts can lead to a pattern which then leads to a belief.

If you would like, think of a time you were triggered into feeling upset. It can be a one time occurrence or something that you have been struggling with.

"Gayle" shared with me that she has difficulty with a friend. As she describes it her friend can be very loving and helpful at times, but other times she seems to just "not get it." As Gayle puts it she might share with "Mary" that she is struggling with her boss at work. Somehow Mary seems to interject into the conversation something really cool that her own boss has done (or in other words what a great boss Mary has). Gayle sometimes wonders whether Mary does this on purpose or if she is just that blind to how hurtful it is. "It is like rubbing salt in the wound." She has mentioned this to Mary in the past about different situations but the pattern continues.

Hurt, anger, resentment - all are normal emotions. But we need to know what to do with them. What to do that is HEALTHY.
There is a line from a play that really fits the situation. ( I don't know who to credit it to so if you do please e mail me at d.buechler@yahoo.com .) The essence of it goes something like this: Holding on to anger (or hurt) is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die.

Our thoughts become our reality. That is so powerful. If Gayle's thoughts about Mary run along the lines that Mary is inconsiderate and selfish, it will be those thoughts that eventually will destroy the friendship. What we focus on grows. She will be like a heat-seeking missile, just waiting for the next time Mary "proves" that she is selfish and self-centered. This is called "cognitive dissonance". It means that we don't like to have thoughts that are confusing. If we have confusing or conflicting thoughts about someone or something, our brain will work to come up with a bottom line or what is "true". We like things to fit into neat packages- rather like sorting them and fitting them into files or folders. When they don't fit, it forces us to rethink how to make them fit. Maybe put them into a new, different file or folder. This is how we learn and grow.
So if Gayle basically sees Mary as a good friend, every time Mary's behavior seems to prove otherwise, it forces Gayle to re-sort which file the relationship belongs in. The friendship may end if Mary's behaviors don't change. Or Gayle may have to find a way to deal with her own thoughts, creating another folder.

It may be difficult enough to end a friendship - what if your scenario involves a boss, your husband or wife, or a close family member? Not as easy to say it will end! But not tolerable as it now stands either, especially if you've tried all the problem solving techniques available.

Difficult feelings. We all have them. We can gain tremendous control over such circumstances... There is enormous strength in being able to tolerate a difficult feeling.

One of the ways to do this is to practice what is called mindfulness. One way I think of mindfulness is that it is witnessing myself - my thoughts, my feelings... Just like sitting on a river bank and watching them go by like leaves on a stream. Not acting nor reacting, just watching. Seeing it as my own personal experience. Not he said, she said, not what someones agenda might have been. Just breathing, allowing whatever to arise, examining it, going back to breathing..... I pay attention to and honor my emotion, but I don't react to it. I see it for what it is. A passing emotion. I don't deny the truth of what I am feeling.

Two keys: staying with the breathing (a sure sign I am staying mindful vs being reactive) and staying with simply observing, watching, witnessing (vs analyzing or judging).

It takes practice to be mindful, but it brings peace, centeredness and clarity. It breaks the old patterns and feeling stuck or helpless.It resolves the emotion. It opens energy to be used productively. This is one of the ways we can gain strength and harness the power within our own mind. The results are truly amazing.

Until next time,
Blessings to you and yours,
Dr. DyAnn