Multiple Choice

Have you ever felt like you have a "multiple personality"? You know, one part calm, reserved and understanding, while another side of you wants just a little bit of revenge? Or maybe there are times when your logical self pulls you in one clear cut direction (stay with the job you have) but your heart cries out for something entirely different (I want to work in the arts). It seems like some scenarios lead to feeling like we just crashed into the "I can't win" wall! Which ever route we may choose, part of us feels like we did not get our needs met.

But there is a way out and the secret is to find the way to honor our multiplicity.

I think we are all rather "multiple", but not in the sense of the psychiatric disorder. Our lives, our minds and our needs are multi-faceted. "Sarah", one of my clients, is a classic example of the complicated nature of our inner/multiple selves. Poised and beautiful, Sarah is a highly intelligent, deeply spiritual person whose mantra and guiding force is to live a virtuous life. She and her doting husband give money to charity and she does volunteer work. She creates beautiful pottery, aces her difficult college courses, and carries on an affair with a married man! She just could not seem to break away from this dangerous, unrewarding liaison.

"Pete" is a successful business man with a penchant for family life. His childhood memories are painted in sadness due to the untimely death of his father. He indeed would qualify as being the "lost child". He is a wonderful father, loves to play chess, and attends church regularly. He has been told by his doctor to get his eating habits under control as he is borderline diabetic. Pete just can't resist good bakery. He wants to be around for his kids but his increasingly severe weight problem threatens his health and longevity.

Both people are examples of the rich tapestry of characteristics which compose our individual uniqueness. Pete and Sarah's lives and choices (as well as your own) tend to be more understandable when viewed from the perspective of our multiple needs as human beings. Pete, for example, learned in his therapy that deep in his subconscious he had a treasured memory. When he was just a toddler he and his dad would sit in "daddy's chair" and enjoy dessert together. None of his older siblings got to do this; it was Pete's special time with his father. His insatiable appetite for dessert was a reflection of this subconscious longing to connect with his dad. His need for (resolution about) belonging won out over balance in regard to physical needs.
Guess what was going on with Sarah? Her story is a very interesting one. Adopted as an infant she was doted on and intensely watched over by her anxious parents - the hovering type. She never had the opportunity to just "let loose" in a developmentally normal way. Unknowingly, she was making up for it now, but in a way that threatened not only her marriage but her very sense of self. Her need for adventure overshadowed all her other needs which were abundantly fulfilled.
While the aid of a good therapist can help people to discover why they do things that are counterproductive or even destructive, this blog is about living a better, happier life. It is for every day people like you. While the examples of Pete and Sarah may be considered dramatic, at the heart of the matter they speak of human needs. One of the ways that I see people falter is in failing to firstcontemplate what they need and how that need could be fulfilled in any number of ways. For example, Sarah needed adventure and the chance to do something dangerous. Pete needed the chance to connect more strongly with a father figure.

Someone may feel he needs more recognition and mistakenly narrow his thinking that the only answer is a new job. By realizing that the answer to his longing is not for a new job, but that his longing is for recognition he can save himself a lot of time and unhappiness. He might keep his job and gain recognition in other ways that are more in alignment with what he needs for his deeper sense of self. One of my clients found glorious satisfaction in the "recognition" of a den of cub scouts that he volunteered to help out. His sense of pride was clearly visible whenever he spoke of his work with the scouts.
In other words, if we first carefully examine what our need is, and then look at the multiple ways in which the need might be fulfilled, we give ourselves a multiple number of ways in which we might achieve greater happiness.
Until next time,
Dr. DyAnn