The Gift of Love

As we approach Valentine's Day I am going to ask you to do two things: One is to let those people you care about know that you value them and their being in you life. I invite you to extend your message of appreciation beyond the traditional family members. Let your friends, co-workers and neighbors know that they touch your life.
Put yourself in the role of the recipient of this sort of message and you will soon see how important it will end up being. Think of how gratifying it would be to have these folks let you know that it's cool to have you as a neighbor or co-worker. And it would be even more meaningful if they added how much they enjoy your humor or spontaneity or that you can be counted on to be a team player at work. In other words, when you deliver the gift of appreciation, be specific as to what attribute it is that you notice and value.

I recently did this with a postal worker and I thought she would fall over! I couldn't help but notice as I waited in the long line that people were impatient and rather de-humanizing with the clerks behind the desk. Why do we do this?! Anyway, when I got to the front of the line the worker greeted me with a warm smile and friendly hello. I commented that her cheery greeting was a pleasant part of my day. I also told her that I always noticed her smile when I came to the post office because her smile is an exceptionally beautiful one. You would have thought I handed her a winning lottery check! I was so glad that I could make her day better. Who knows what rippling effect our energy and our words have. I guarantee your words of appreciation will make a difference to those in your life.

The second thing that I am going to ask you to do is to give your own self a gift. And that gift is that of working on replacing negative thoughts about yourself with positive ones. All of us have certain imprints or ways that we are triggered into negative thinking. The way the brain works is fascinating. I have written before about imprinting. Here is a classic case example.

Danny is the youngest child in his family of five. For some reason, his father practically disowned him. If there ever was a male "Cinderella" he would be it. When he was growing up he always got the brunt of his father's disrespect. Danny got the chores that were the dirtiest and most difficult. And as he recalls, he could never do enough; what he did do was never right. And sadly this all began when he was a very young child.

Because Danny was popular and well liked no one would ever have guessed that he had problems with low self esteem. We worked on looking at the roll those early messages and how they triggered him in the present. He got more adept at recognizing when he was being "triggered" by the echoes of the past.

The way the brain works is that there is an instant going back into the "files" of our memory when a stimulus presents itself. In Danny's case, when there was even the broadest hint of someone looking down on him (which is really the other person's issue - just like it was his father's issue) his mind would go back into those unconscious records and in effect say "Oh I remember this. I am useless. I am not well liked. I am powerless and not important."

It did not matter that Danny was now 35, well liked and accomplished. When this triggering took place via a casual remark the next step happened on auto-pilot. He would literally feel powerless, useless and unimportant. He would unconsciously buy into being a victim! It was as if he again was six years old and under his father's control.

Like Danny, we all have triggers and imprints and they all take place on auto-pilot. However, like Danny we can recover from them. That brings me back to the beginning of this writing when I asked you to replace negative thinking with more positive thoughts.

We become what we repeatedly think about. So, next time you catch yourself thinking anything but the kindest, most loving and respectful thoughts about yourself STOP! There are very good odds that you may have "learned" those negative judgments from someone in your pas: a sibling, teacher, parent, early childhood friend, spouse. When we are hurt by someone it is recorded in our memory. We adopt their words and judgments as our own. If we allow ourselves to dwell upon these words and judgments, we are being more unkind to ourselves than they were (or are) .
The reason I say this is : We cannot control what others think of us and say to us. But we have ultimate and complete control over what we allow ourselves to think about our own self! So be as kind to your own self as you would to a best friend. Using this wisdom is one of the best gifts of love you can give to yourself!

Enjoy! And happy Valentine's Day as you celebrate the love in your heart.
Namaste,
Blessings and love to you and those you love,
Dr. DyAnn